Separation of Church and Sex

NOTE TO READER: I am not attacking you or your beliefs- no matter what you do or don’t belong to. I do think religion handles the topic of sex incorrectly. I know many healthy, happy people in religion. That does not make the damage inflicted on others, disappear. Every action has an equal or... well, you know the rest. Whether or not that’s the intention.

Not many categories hold as much importance as sex. I am not sure what the typical American’s experience with this subject is; but Utah has a strange relationship with it. I know men who hide their desires from their wives and women who cry on their wedding night after sharing their first night of intimacy. Moments ruined because sin is attached to such a beautiful experience.

“Don’t ask, don’t tell”. This out of date military standard, is how Utah’s culture handles sex. A wonderful act of connection and love. Not to mention, a biological building block in all mammals on this planet. With the intention to censure, the world and religion have twisted this expression of love for their own gain. One uses it to sell, the other treats it with shame.

Growing up this way, I hid these feelings. Thinking I was disturbed because I was attracted to the pictures that flashed before me. I was only taught of sin and God's judgement. Never an explanation of the normalcy of these feelings. I had a Bishop say, “99% of boys have a problem with masterbation, and the 1% is lying about it.” He said this with a laugh?! If this is such a normal occurrence, why was I only allowed to talk about it in the context of worthiness? Why do you think they lie? Young men are placed in front of a neighbor and are expected to be honest and vulnerable, in the most insecure state of life. Fear of messing up and shame begins to isolate you. Making it uncomfortable to talk to friends or family. The automatic tinge of sin attaching itself in your mind.  Making it harder and harder to separate these emotions from the action. Why would they feel comfortable confessing these feelings to a strange old man? Can’t you see the destruction of the human experience? All for control of what you do with your body.

Utah is ranked the eleventh most dangerous state for rape and sexual assault. It is also one of sixteen states to pass a public health concern for pornography. Two of those states being Florida and Pennsylvania, who have much larger populations. Utah is small, ranking 30th in the nation for population. Of that population, 62% are members of the same affiliation. A group that seems to be the perfect breeding ground for sexual turmoil. Now, please do not misinterpret what I am saying here. I am not saying that religion is creating monsters, but a line can be drawn from the way they punish and shame sexuality. In turn, causing the start of many dark spirals. Is it fair to draw this line? I can only speak from my experience. I do see how the culture in Utah affected my ability to open up about this important subject. Luckily for me, I was able to form a healthy relationship with sex. It was hard to escape the shame and guilt. This struggle that I buried deep within myself, as I was taught to do, showed it’s cruel self in my inability to communicate on this deeper level with myself and my wife.

To set the stage- I have always been sexually active. Never promiscuous but I allowed myself to have experiences. Although, it was top secret. No one knew, not my friends, and certainly not my family. I couldn’t even talk about it with the women I was having relationships with. We came from the same culture but neither of us had the knowledge or strength to talk it out. Constantly torn between the young, growing desire and the guilt that kept leading us to the Bishop's office to “confess” . This was supposed to be a safe place, but it only gave me more reason not to share. I was told that sex is second to murder. I’m not making this up. In order of sins, premarital sex is the second worst thing you can do in the eyes of the church. Imagine how that would make a teenage boy feel. Confused between the natural desires that I was trying to understand and peers who either didn’t have the same struggle or wouldn’t talk about it. This led me to feel alone with this burden. Weekly reminders from the place I was told was my sanctuary, causing more pain than relief. This drove the guilt deeper and deeper into the mind.

Once I broke free from an ideology that only gave me stress, I thought I was in the clear. Unknowingly, the trauma lingered. Years later it reared its head. I had finally found and married the perfect woman. She wasn’t judging me. She came from the same background, left the culture, and lived the same lifestyle as me. There was no difference in moral code between us, yet something held me back. I still could not open my mouth. I turned back to a sixteen year old boy in the bishop's office. Awkward, blushing and immature. I couldn’t have a straight conversation with the women I loved about something so crucial to our marriage.

Writing this is a huge step for me in breaking out of my guilt-shame cycle. It allows me to communicate this subject in a mature and straightforward manner. It took many steps for me just to get here. I was not immune to the effects of the culture. I know that even with my “mild-case” it has been the hardest grip to break. Never fully invested in the religion, I was able to think for myself. Is everyone that is swept into it as lucky? If you have desires that are continually being told are wrong- who knows what dark, alternative paths you could start down to hide your shame from others.

This article isn’t to point a finger at all the problems within the Utah culture. It is simply my honest opinion on the potentials that come from commercialized ethics. There is no blanket of standards that can fit every person, and not everyone can handle complete freedom. Is there a middle ground to be found? Is there a way to normalize sex without disrespecting it? Maybe the answer is as simple as open, honest communication. If we had more conversations, would less people have to endure to these lasting effects? I believe so. We are social creatures; rejection can do crazy things to a person, especially by 62% of your community.