Medicated

NOTE TO READER: In this article, I am not promoting any specific route to mental health. I made my decisions in hope of clarity.

Mental health is neither a unique topic nor a unique problem. Yet, every story is different. My struggle has always been the crippling fear of what other people think. Despite many useless doctor appointments for daily nausea; it took years of skillful hiding to find that anxiety and hyper awareness were at the root of my issues. Memories of my mornings being flooded with crippling fear, when all I had done was opened my eyes. The mornings I spent kneeling over the toilet, now, obvious signs of not being able to handle the unknown of what each day held. Fifteen-minute appointments only left me with more unanswered questions; making the only option to “rub some dirt on it” and press on.

As I graduated and moved out to college, the fear became crippling. I spent my first two years hidden in my apartment. Luckily I lived with my four best high school buddies. They gave me enough social interaction to keep me a float. That abruptly ended when I came home one day to all of them waiting to give me an “intervention”. One by one they cut me out of their lives and my circle of comfort got smaller. The projections are weights that I cannot lift. I assume all strangers see, and silently judge my flaws. I am like an artist that paints his insecurities on others. This self inflicted pressure pins me to my couch.

Spark and inhale; exhale and relief; finally! Now, I’m not going to turn this into a persuasive essay for legalization. I will simply say this was the first step to my mental stability. I do not know how much “sparking up” changed my mindset, or if it allowed me to offer up something I could accept to be judged for. My brain was cluttered by opinions I assumed others had. Smoking was finally facing the judgment I projected with concrete action? A visible action I knew would take the focus off anything else. ‘The stoner’ became a mask I wore to protect myself. I hoped it would hide the labels I feared more; “black sheep”, “uneducated” and “unworthy”. Friends disappearing and relationships ending because I didn’t fit in that culture or meet their standards. The inner dialog that use to rattle around in my head began to fade with the smoke.

Safe to say, after I found some mental relief I leaned in a little too hard to the "weed culture". Stinky and lazy, these comments were slowly taking over as top complaints from my roommates. Marijuana was making it too easy to stay home. Who cares about the people I’m not meeting, the plans that are being canceled, or experiences I was missing out on? I was tucked away in my apartment; with my snacks and streaming services. I successfully fogged up every thought of the outside world with bong rips. The fear had diminished but so had my life. I began to feel a lack of meaning, especially after getting suspended from college. Turns out attendance is import.

Winter 2014. Hiding from the problems that were waiting for me next semester, I fell into a moment that changed my life forever. The setting and scene could not have been better. My parents sent me Hawaii to visit my big brother. He was attending BYU Hawaii.... a strange place to have the psychedelic experience of a lifetime. I was an island bum, sleeping in my brother's van or on his couch in a one-bed apartment. The vacation was supposed to last a week but I latched on to the opportunity and extended my stay to three months. Life slowed down and all the clutter was filtered out. No one on the whole island knew who I was beside my brother and his wife. I was free to break any commitments I made to my previous self. No one would know. The climax of the trip was a mid day mushroom trip. As the world continued around me, I sat and looked behind the curtain. Remembering the simple needs of survival. This clarity was so powerful I tried to translate it into my archaic understanding. Not being able to grasp every lesson taught during the six hour journey, I came back into reality doing my best to hold on to what I could. I started to find myself being separated from the speed and pressure of society on the mainland. Naïve, I left the island and came back face to face with the world I feared.

To keep my "Island Mindset" is easier said than done. The pace of society swept me right back in time and time again. I was so easily caught in the same traps of; likes, money, toys, and power. I continued to take psychedelics' to reset and remember the freedom found by being grateful for where I was. Day to day still smoking to clear the fear. After six to twelve months I was in a rhythm. I found hobbies that allow me to escape, a career path that I am good at and I accepted that I was enough alone.

Marriage 2018, as it usually goes, once you give up on love it comes and finds you. Everything changed with the words “I Do”. I didn’t see it coming. Everything goes from “me” to “we”, and “we” almost didn’t make it. My way of dealing with anxiety didn’t work for a marriage. Things could not and should not revolve around my need for coping. Humbled, I searched for help.

2019, Therapy and Zoloft. Oddly enough this is the hardest for me to write about. The shame can’t be hidden in recreational use. I fought the legal solution because I didn’t like the stigma. Once again, I held my mental health back to avoid the opinion and judgment of others. I had to face my fear and do what I truly believed was best for me and my marriage.

Peaceful. Grounded. Happy. Do you think it would be better if I went straight to Zoloft? My honest answer; I don’t think so. I believe I know myself better only because of the route I took. My path, yes, it was unorthodox but it does have the research to back it. These alternative medications, while frowned upon in the western world, have many benefits that are being missed out on because we blindly follow. As research grows and laws loosen, who knows, my path may be more traveled. As I look back that truly doesn’t matter. It got me here. As I look forward I hope to find myself on a more holistic route, taking care of my body's needs in natural ways. I believe I will get there but; for now, I am medicated and I have no shame in that.