As the Haze Clears

Anxiety pours in thick like smoke; I’ve become content. Comfort has hooked me like a drug. As I gasp for breath, I become abruptly aware of the blaring changes craving to be made. Fighting the haze, the glimpse of clarity has become the air I long to breathe.

A man that comes home with dirt under his fingers and a smile on his face. A man visibly on his knees with his children, rather than on his knees begging for superficial glory. Unconditionally loyal, honest, and present. How chilling, a realization that this vow is not being met and it is slowly slipping from my grasp.

Then anxiety lifts as I take a deep breath, I see the path, but the clarity of change only last for a moment. My guilt sees the anxiety's pressure slip and eagerly takes its turn. It kicks in swiftly painting a picture. It is clear; the one in the cross-hairs isn't me, it's my wife. I notice the one I have chosen to love wandering in confusion. She is reaching for a hand to grasp. Who can she trust?

“I’m never enough!” This statement firm and rigid, starts to mold as I allow myself to see her perspective. Insecure words I use to scream, now a reminder. A reminder that my wife deserves more.

Heaven, Hell, God, and the Devil. These words have many meanings. As I have separated myself from the Christian definitions and pushed myself to form my own; these words are no longer a trigger. God is inside me and I know what I must do; but my ego is the Devil. These two fight for dominance as I form every thought. My ego; quick to take offense, and even quicker to criticize. It will not allow me to see our conversations play out in front of me. Its sensitive shell easily cracked, and it will not go down without a fight. As I see the long and windy path to where we need to be, I know that anxiety is stalking me like its prey. Comprehending what needs to be done, and making those scary steps to separate myself from my ego is enough to brings me to my knees. These moments of pain can be seen as necessary steps as long as I learn. Unconditional and heart forward, I must conquer the ego and show her she is number one in my life, not me. Only then will I be able to see clearly through the haze.