Did I Ever Wake Up?

In an instance, my world changed. Did I ever wake up, an audio clip from a Mod Sun album was the last thing I heard. The next, my Fiance yelling "BABE?!". Her face inches from mine as the rooms light and color slowly flooded back in. "What happened?",  the only words I could seem to muster. Naked, cold, and confused, laying face up in the bath tub. What else could I have said? Head pounding, I begin to regain my coordinates. Nausea, quick to notice my weakened state could't wait to chime in. Almost like an annoying friend, that one who reminds you of the blatantly obvious. I hear, "You are not okay." while my breakfast involuntarily is ejected from my mouth. Thanks stomach, I can always count on you.

How quickly a day can change. The morning started off with coffee on the porch, followed by some wine and football. We just got engaged and we were enjoying a much needed weekend off. Our only plan was late Sunday night, a concert. Spoiler, we never attended that concert. Instead our Sunday night consisted of the bright fluorescent lights of the Emergency Room, and the calming whirls of a CAT Scan. On paper this would seem like a disappointment. In what world would I be okay with a Emergency Room over a concert?  Leading me back to question, did I ever wake up? 

Death Meditation is not a new practice, but in very basic terms it asks; If I were to die today, how would I want to live my last day? My experience has led me to a slightly different phrasing. I would ask; If you fell into the black nothing-ness, but then came back, how will you now live differently? Not just in the current day, but for the years to follow?

I may still be in a hazed state from the concussion that this instance caused,but, as I look back now on the focuses of life I laugh. Why do we care so much? Why do we rush? I can't fathom a response that would convince me it’s worth the energy. I had a brief brush with the darkness of the end, and it is abrupt. It is cold. If existence is pain, it still beats darkness. I choose to suffer, to breath, to love, and most of all to live in the moment. I will forever ask; Did I ever wake up?